When you say – ‘Who am I’ it is more of self-finding. But when you say – ‘How am I’, this is assessment or comparison.
Self-obsession is like seeing yourself too closely. You neither see the actual personality, nor you are able to see other aspects of the personality. Your focus is too much on a single aspect. You actually see things in a ‘portrait mode’ – objects that you desire are clear, and rest of them completely blurred. The picture may look good, but in the process, it has also ignored the other key objects, that may be important too.
But, while doing so, do the objects change their characteristics? Do they stop existing?
Living in a world, where we see only our competency, is a state of – ‘Self Obsession”.
Like most, I too experienced this phase and that too for quite a few years. Excellent reputation, excellent position, tremendous reach to bureaucratic and political circle, and closeness to promotors, CEOs, CXOs and top leadership – I felt like invincible.
Then one day, my very own old boss came to meet me. For sure, I had changed a lot – not just by looks but also in my attitude. He had brought with him few old pictures, when I was just an Exhibition Officer. He showed me those pictures and said – “You remember how much struggle and pains you have taken to become what you are today. I remember, we were required to put-up an exhibition in Gauriganj, in Uttar Pradesh and you had developed high-fever. But since you were heading the exhibition pavilion and the then Prime Minister – late Shri Rajiv Gandhi, was supposed to inaugurate the exhibition, you ignored every pain and executed the exhibition in an excellent manner.”
Then he showed me a sapling-plantation picture. In this picture I was planting a sapling along with him and a senior leader. Then he showed me another picture where that sapling had growth into a big tree. The tree was so huge that people were resting under the shadow, and there were a lot of birds resting on the tree.
Then he asked me – “Neither the sapling you planted nor the transformed tree are able to see themselves. Someone else has to see them and make opinion about them, like me and you. I am so proud that you have become one of the most sought-after communication experts, but that has been credited by the people who have seen you growing. You can’t see your own stature, you can only feel it and admire it, once it is extended and conveyed by a third person. See yourself from the eyes of people, and you would realise, not just what they think about you, but also what they expect from you.”
I was quite for few minutes and felt a lot of pressure on my head. Rather, the head started rolling. I asked him then – “Where did I go wrong Sir. Your example is certainly a reflection on me and I want to understand to improve myself.”
He politely said – “Pavan you are living in self-obsession. Success does take you to a different level, but a true leader needs to remain like a tree. You only planted the sapling and see how large the tree is today. It’s by nature. The sapling had to grow to become a large tree since the sapling had the potential to be a large tree. The tree, for sure knows, it is a large tree today, but when people take shelter under this tree and feel secure, calm, and take rest; its value increases further.”
I understood what was being conveyed to me and it can only be done by someone who loves me, admires me and want me to change for the greater good.
I was quite – dead silent. I was quite embarrassed too. I felt as if I was living in my own world. But since I always took things in a positive manner, I was also adamant to correct myself. I had no option also.
My boss further said – “I am absolutely not challenging the genius in you, neither I am having any doubt on your intelligence and competency, what I am saying is that you still have tremendous scope for improvement to shine further – develop the practice of self-introspection.”
The learning was – to understand – ‘What am I’ and I do need to know – ‘Who am I’ or may be vice-versa, sometimes.
I remembered the teachings of Bholenath where he says – “It is important to know the truth within. Your two eyes can’t see you or even see each other. You need a third eye like Mahadev – Bholenath Ji’s third eye, to assess you, correct you and guide you further.”